All I Have Left of You Page 4

  Kit’s eyes flared. ‘What’s to talk about? He cheated on me!’

  ‘I’ve ordered the food,’ Roanna said, clearing her throat as she returned to the table.

  ‘Roanna divorced Eric when he cheated on her!’ Kit reminded us.

  ‘You really think you want a divorce?’ Roanna asked, her jaw dropping.

  ‘Of course, I do!’ she exclaimed angrily. ‘I wish the man was dead!’

  My stomach tightened and goosebumps spread across my body. I swallowed the words that inevitably rose upon my tongue and bit my lip.

  Roanna looked down at the table, wincing.

  ‘I don’t think you do, Kit,’ I said as evenly as I could after taking a deep breath, forcing back a sudden surge of anger. ‘There was nothing Michael could have done that would make me wish for what happened.’

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry, Lina. You know I didn’t mean to offend you, right?’ Kit said, suddenly worried that she’d upset me, and quite honestly, she had.

  I took a deep breath and tried not to get too frustrated with her. She’s just upset, I reminded myself. ‘Just be careful what you wish for. And what you say.’

  ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ Kit said again, looking at the table and pulling her tissue to bits. ‘I didn’t mean that. I just… I never thought Pete would do that, you know?’

  Roanna nodded with sympathetic eyes. ‘I never thought Eric would do it either. I know how you feel.’

  Kit shook her head. ‘I’m sorry, Roanna, but no you don’t. I’ve been with Pete since we were at school. You knew Eric for five minutes and married him. You know this is completely different, right?’

  I didn’t like where this was going.

  Roanna took a deep breath. ‘I loved Eric, Kit. You know I did. I might not have been with him for as long as you’ve been with Pete, but don’t lessen how I felt about him just because of that. And don’t be a bitch. I’m assuming you came to us for help and insulting your two best friends isn’t a good way to start asking for it.’

  Kit stared across the table at Roanna with an icy look. ‘I’m going to use the bathroom. If you’ll excuse me, ladies.’

  Once we’d eaten our breakfasts, Kit calmed herself down and apologised wholeheartedly for offending us. Roanna and I understood, of course; Kit could be facing the breakdown of her family. Children were involved, for goodness sake.

  ‘Do you think it’s worth talking to him? To see why he might have done it,’ I suggested gently. ‘I mean, I don’t think there are any excuses when it comes to cheating, but there might be more going on.’

  Kit sighed, and her bottom lip started to tremble again.

  She took a sip of her coffee to stop it. ‘I just don’t know. I thought Pete would never hurt me like that. He’s a completely different person to me now.’

  Roanna pursed her lips. ‘I hate cheaters,’ she said. ‘What Eric did to me was simply awful. We tried therapy, and it didn’t work. But, as you said, I suppose it is different. You have a family, Kit. Maybe it’s worth trying to work things out.’

  Kit’s brow creased. ‘But if I did stay with him and try to work through this, how could I trust him? How would I ever know it was just the one time?’

  ‘When you saw the message, had Pete replied?’ I wondered.

  Kit shook her head, biting her lip.

  ‘And when did she send it?’ asked Roanna.

  ‘Three days ago, I think,’ she said with a huff.

  ‘I suppose it’s a good sign that he hasn’t replied then,’ I pointed out.

  ‘It is,’ Roanna agreed. ‘Eric was replying to his little tramp every second he could.’

  Kit looked pensive for a while and took a sip of her latte. We’d been here about two hours and were on our fourth round of coffees. I’d thankfully switched us all to decaf two rounds ago. ‘I just think I need a break for a while,’ she said. ‘I feel like I need a week away from it all just to

  get my head together, you know?’

  ‘How have things been in general?’ Roanna asked. ‘I know it can’t be easy with twins under three. Have you managed to stay connected to Pete?’

  Kit bit her lip. ‘I’ve tried. But it’s been so hard. Even so, I don’t think that gives Pete the excuse to sleep with someone else.’

  ‘It doesn’t,’ I agreed. ‘But I may be able to help with getting away from it all.’ I smiled hopefully.

  Kit frowned, and Roanna’s curiosity piqued.

  ‘How so?’ Kit enquired, intrigued.

  ‘Well,’ I began, unable to keep the excited grin from my face. I hadn’t felt this optimistic since Michael had passed away. ‘I found something the other day. Something that, at first, devastated me.’ I paused to pull out Michael’s bucket list from my bag on the chair beside me. I’d left the letter at home on the bed between my teddy bear’s paws. That was just for my eyes, and I’d left it to my bear, Mikey, to keep it safe.

  ‘What?’ Roanna said, a little worried.

  ‘I found this,’ I said, taking a deep breath and placing the list on the table for them to read.

  The two of them looked at the paper curiously, and when they’d read every item, they looked up at me with matching sad smiles.

  ‘He didn’t get to do any of it,’ I said, fighting back a lump of loss in my throat. ‘Not a single item on there was ticked off when he died. I want you to help me complete it for him.’

  They both raised their eyebrows at me.

  ‘Wow,’ Roanna said with a smile.

  Kit let out a light laugh. ‘You do realise I’m petrified of heights, right?’

  I nodded eagerly. ‘Yep,’ I laughed. ‘I am too! But this is for Michael. I’d do anything for Michael. But I completely understand if it’s a bit much for you.’

  Roanna studied the list again, and her face brightened with excitement. ‘You really want us to do this with you?’

  ‘Of course!’

  ‘What about Max? Should we ask him too?’ Kit suggested.

  I scoffed. ‘I don’t think Poppy will let him come back, to be honest.’ He’d married his long-term girlfriend, Poppy, six months ago, eloping in Las Vegas, and then they’d moved to Thailand where she was a teacher, and he was a climbing instructor. We’d had regular FaceTime dates at first but that had slowly become an email every couple of weeks.

  I didn’t think Poppy liked Max talking to me so much. I missed him terribly, and it was a shame that we weren’t as close as we once were, especially given that Michael was gone.

  Roanna screwed up her face. ‘Ugh. She’s such a controlling psychopath. I don’t know what Max sees in her.’

  ‘Neither do I.’ I shook my head, but I didn’t really want to get into how badly I disliked Poppy. ‘Anyway, are you guys up for it?’

  ‘Definitely!’ Roanna grinned.

  Kit was a little more hesitant, but, eventually, she smiled, and it even reached her red, puffy eyes. ‘What the heck? I guess it would take my mind off things!’

  I clapped my hands together excitedly. ‘And I haven’t even told you the best part!’

  ‘What’s the best part?’ asked Roanna in curious excitement.

  ‘I’ve found a way that Michael can complete it himself,’ I told them.

  Their expressions wavered, and they each looked at me like I was a bit mental. And perhaps I was. But we’re all a bit mad, aren’t we?

  ‘Remember when I first got his ashes, and I didn’t know what to do with them?’ I asked. They both nodded. ‘Well, I’ve decided to make them into jewellery after all. Not all of them, you don’t need to use them all, only a spoonful in fact, but I’ve been looking online, and I’m placing an order for a pair of white gold earrings tonight.’

  ‘Wow,’ Roanna breathed. Her blue eyes were shining.

  ‘And you’ll be wearing the earrings when we do all this stuff?’ Kit smiled.

  I nodded, and a bittersweet sensation washed over me. ‘A part of him will get to complete his list.’

  Chapter Five

 
; 4th January 2005

  It happened the week after the Christmas holidays, on the first day back at school.

  Michael had spent Christmas in America with his grandparents, and while Max and I had hung out a few times over the two-week break, I’d really missed Michael. I’d got a mobile phone for Christmas, and so had he. We’d texted each other all of Christmas Day, and by the end of Boxing Day my credit had run out.

  At first, I thought that was all it was.

  That I’d missed him.

  But when I saw him that morning on the walk to school, my tummy did something funny. Something it hadn’t done before. It twisted and somersaulted, causing my palms to moisten with sweat. And suddenly, I started to notice everything about Michael.

  I noticed how bright his rich brown eyes sparkled in the low winter sun, how soft his hair looked to touch, how warm his smile was. I’d noticed these things before, I supposed, but now they were magnified, and it was hard to look away.

  ‘There she is!’ Michael said with a grin as he closed the

  distance between us and wrapped me up in a hug. I hugged him back and pressed my face against the soft material of his thick blue coat. I was pleased I could blame my pink cheeks on the cold morning.

  I noticed that even his voice had changed. It was deeper, almost broken, something I hadn’t picked up on before. He smelled good too, like aftershave, and not a cheap one like Lynx either, something expensive, maybe Diesel. Perhaps it had been a Christmas gift. All I’d been able to afford to get him were a couple of pairs of whacky socks from Topman. I’d given them to him before he’d left and he’d been thrilled. He’d given me a cream scarf, and I’d worn it every time I’d been outside since.

  ‘Hi!’ I grinned as we broke the hug. ‘Did you have a good holiday?’ I asked, realising I couldn’t stop staring at his face. I forced myself to look away. I suddenly didn’t know what to do with my hands, so I fisted them into balls and folded my arms.

  ‘Yeah, it was brilliant!’ he enthused as we started walking. Frozen leaves crunched underfoot.

  ‘Did you finally get to ride that roller coaster?’ I asked, taking a deep breath to calm my nerves. The air that pooled in my lungs was icy sharp.

  Michael shook his head, disgruntled. ‘I didn’t! Dad had a headache the day we went into Las Vegas, and mum didn’t

  fancy it.’

  ‘Aww, that’s a shame. What about Genevieve? Did she behave?’ I asked delicately.

  Michael scoffed. ‘She wandered off on her own, thank goodness. We barely said two words to each other the whole holiday. She barely spoke to anyone, not even my grandma and grandad.’

  I shook my head. Things hadn’t improved with Michael’s sister over the past year or so, and she’d gone ballistic when she’d found out the family was spending Christmas in America. She’d wanted to spend it with her much older boyfriend who drank, smoked, and who knew what else.

  ‘Did you have a good Christmas?’ Michael asked.

  I nodded, smiling. ‘Yeah, it was nice. My grandparents came over on Christmas Day, and we played games. I won Monopoly! And I saw Max a few times which was nice.’

  ‘Cool. Is that a new coat?’

  ‘Yes,’ I answered with a grin, all too pleased that he’d noticed. It was maroon with dark brown fur on the hood. Perfect for cold winter mornings and evening strolls.

  Michael smiled at me, flashing his pearly whites. My heart skipped a beat, and it didn’t feel so cold outside anymore. In fact, I started to sweat. ‘It really suits you.’

  By February, I’d grown to accept that I had a big crush on

  Michael.

  Really big. Huge, even.

  I’d even reached the point where I was practising my signature in my diary in case we ever got married. It was about the only thing I’d written in the padlocked red book that my Grandma had given me for Christmas.

  I wanted to tell him. I wanted him to know how much I liked him; that my heart sped up whenever I saw him; that my tummy would jump at the sight of his gorgeous smile. I’d started experimenting with makeup to try and get him to notice me. It was the first time I’d touched the stuff since the horrible incident with Amie and Jodie. Mum had taken me to Debenhams a couple of weeks ago after school, and she’d bought me some really nice stuff. She’d taught me what shades of lipstick went with what colour eyeshadow, and shown me the best ways to apply it.

  Today, my cheeks were tinged with a light, peachy blush and my lips pinked with soft balm. I’d also got up extra early to curl my honey blonde hair with tongs.

  I sat waiting in the library for the boys to arrive, tapping my pen against the pages of my maths book. We were spending our lunchtime doing homework which was rubbish, but we wanted to go to a Valentine’s Day party the coming Friday and the only way our parents would allow it was if we finished all our homework first. Doing it after school would leave less time for me to go shopping for an outfit, and this was the first party we’d been invited to since starting school. Max had made friends with Luke, who was throwing the party, in Design and Technology. But I only really wanted to go for one reason. To get Michael to notice me as more than a friend.

  I was applying more lip balm using a small compact mirror when the boys arrived.

  ‘Lina, trying to look your best for James?’ Max said with a smirk as he sat down next to me. My heart sank a little. I’d wanted Michael to take the seat beside me. Instead, he sat opposite me, offering me a small smile as he pulled out his maths book from his bag.

  ‘Why would I want to look good for James?’ I asked Max with a creased brow. James was a boy in our year, one of the most popular in fact. All the girls fancied him, but I didn’t see it. Sure, I could see he was attractive with his blonde hair and crystal blue eyes, but he didn’t make my pulse race like Michael did.

  ‘You haven’t heard?’ Max asked, wide-eyed, his jaw dropped open.

  I frowned, and across from me, Michael put his head down, getting on with his maths work. ‘Heard what?’ I queried.

  Max laughed. ‘He’s been telling everyone how much he

  fancies you! He’s going to try and kiss you at the party on Friday!’

  ‘Oh,’ I said, feeling a little bit sick. ‘Did you hear about that, Michael?’ I asked, trying to gauge his reaction.

  He shrugged, but he didn’t look up. ‘Yeah, I guess,’ he mumbled. ‘No wonder, though. Not now you’ve started wearing makeup.’

  The words alone might have made me smile. Maybe it would have meant that he’d noticed me, that he’d started looking at me as I looked at him. But his tone suggested something different. His tone was snide, and it sounded strange hearing something so bitter coming from between Michael’s lips.

  ‘What do you mean by that?’ I asked. Heat began to swell in my belly.

  Michael scoffed. ‘Wasn’t that your intention? To get the attention of some boy?’

  Max frowned, bewildered, as he watched our interaction. Michael and I had never argued, not properly, and I had a bad feeling we were about to. It made me feel nauseous.

  ‘No!’ I lied. My loud tone made a few heads turn, and I earned a stern look from the librarian, Mrs Cinders. I all of a sudden felt ashamed. I had only started wearing makeup to get his attention. How shallow was I? How shallow had I expected Michael to be?

  ‘Then, why?’ Michael asked. His brown eyes burned into mine with a look I’d never seen in him. He looked upset, angry almost.

  ‘I don’t have to explain my decisions to you, Michael,’ I said, standing up and gathering my things together. ‘Girls wear makeup, and in case you haven’t noticed, I’m a girl.’

  ‘Of course, I’ve noticed, I’ve always-’ he stopped, but I wished he hadn’t. ‘Never mind.’

  ‘Fine! I’m going to do my homework elsewhere, and don’t bother waiting for me after school. I’ll walk home alone.’

  I stood in the fitting room, eyeing my reflection.

  I wore a dark red satin dress with thin straps and a skirt that s
pun out at my waist. I liked it, and with tousled waves and a splash of red lip-gloss, I had a feeling I’d like it even more, but did it even mean anything if Michael and I weren’t speaking?

  ‘How is it, Lina?’ Mum called from outside the fitting room.

  I sighed and pulled back the curtain with a ‘swish’.

  ‘Oh, darling, it looks lovely,’ she said with a proud smile. ‘And with the black fur jacket you got for Christmas, it’ll look fantastic!’ She put her hands on her face, taking me in with wide, happy eyes.

  ‘Yeah, I like it,’ I said, trying to inject some enthusiasm into my voice. I’d been down in the dumps for the past two days since Michael and I had argued in the library. We’d still sat at the same table for lunch, but we’d barely spoken. Max had tried hard to keep the conversation light and continuous, but we’d both been uncooperative, and things were only getting worse. Every time my phone beeped with a text message, my heart jumped, and I’d raced for the thing, hoping it would be a message from Michael apologising for our little misunderstanding. But it had either been Max or my network provider offering me text bundles. Like I needed them anymore.

  ‘Are you okay, sweetheart?’ Mum frowned, noticing my soured mood. She rested her cool hand on my shoulder.

  I nodded. ‘Yeah, I’m anxious about the party. That’s all.’ It wasn’t really a lie. I was merely withholding the reason I was so anxious.

  Mum smiled sadly. ‘It’s Michael, isn’t it? You like him.’

  I suddenly burst into tears and sat on the wooden bench in the fitting room, burying my head in my hands.

  ‘Oh, darling,’ Mum soothed as she sat down beside me, gently rubbing my back. ‘Have you told him how you feel?’

  I shook my head, blubbering. Tears stung my eyes and blurred my vision. ‘I don’t need to... he doesn’t like me…

  …so that’s it. How can we be friends anymore?’

  ‘How do you know he doesn’t like you if you haven’t told him yet, sweetheart?’

  ‘Because he just doesn’t, Mum! He accused me of wearing makeup to impress other boys,’ I cried.